Freckle Eye Fancy

I'll tell you what...I don't think I've ever learned so much about myself yet been so confused about myself as I have in the past five months. The only time I remember learning so much and being so confused at the same time was in my stats class senior year of high school. Those of you who have lost someone can probably understand what I'm talking about. It's incredible how strong you can be, much much stronger than you ever thought you'd be in this situation, and as you master a wave of grief, you start feeling super confident that you've got it all under control, then BAM. A new wave of grief hits that you don't know how to navigate, and suddenly you're drowning all over again. That's how this week has been. I don't know what this new wave is, or what to do with it. I've said for a while now that I've been angry, and that's still this wave of grief, but it keeps changing. Just when I think I have a hold of it and can start be...

Sorry, I know my last few posts have been kind of down. I promise we're doing fine, March is just a rough month as far as anniversaries go. I wrote a post after we got married about how, even though a significant event had happened for us, life continued forward every day like nothing had changed. I have felt the same way every single day since we lost Carter, but there are certain days that I feel like the universe should be more aware of our situation, and it's just not. For example, why do Thursdays still exist? They give me something to count the weeks on, but honestly, there is a part of me that looks forward to the day when so many weeks have passed that I forget what the number is, and more specifically, when I don't feel bad for not knowing what the number is. This morning I said to Brandon, "don't you think it's unfair that the 27th still exists?" and I was happy that I'm not the only one who feels that way. Of course we always want to rem...

I feel like my life is constantly being measured in weeks, months and years right now. It has been 21 weeks since we lost Carter, almost five months, and I still hate that we have something so finite to define every single week and month for the rest of our lives. I know that at some point, we'll stop measuring the loss in weeks, and then eventually, we'll stop measuring it in months too, but it is what it is for now. I have mentioned it before, but March is a big month for us in terms of anniversaries. I'm a big dates person anyway, I love remembering things that happened on certain days years ago, but losing Carter has made me even more like that. I want to remember everything! March 7th was the day we found out we were pregnant with him, and March 24th, today, is the day we told my family we were expecting. It's a bittersweet day, of course. I'm so sad he's not here, but I still look back on that day with joy.  We flew to Anaheim to meet my family for Spri...

The sun was out for about four hours on Saturday, and it was glorious! We drove up to Logan early that morning to see our boy, and were able to have some time in the sun with him. The snow is finally all melted, which is crazy, because when we went three weeks ago, it was snowing heavily and was freezing. It was nice to not feel like we needed to run back to the car after just a few minutes. My parents had taken Carter a couple little cars the night we buried him, and the white one had been missing since winter started, but we found it! I was so happy. The kid seriously has quite the collection of cars and trinkets from people that love him. Yesterday was the perfect Sunday. We slept in, had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, did some birthday shopping for family, then lounged for the entire rest of the day. It was supposed to be warm outside, but it was cloudy and kind of windy, so we just left the windows open and enjoyed the decent weather from the inside. We got a little nap in, had ...

Caveat: This post is intended for angel moms or others who have experienced a loss and can understand how it feels to be unbelievably and unrealistically mad at anyone. If you are reading this and do not fall into one of these two groups, please do not be offended. That is not my intention, I just am hoping to help others by being honest. I like to think of myself and a genuinely kind and sympathetic person. I care about people, and I care about people's feelings, and I like to help people find their strengths through hard times. This is actually what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a master's degree in counseling is in my future, but that's not the point. My point is that, even though this is the kind of person I am and always have been, losing Carter triggered a piece of me that isn't those things. Like I've said before, I have tried really hard not to have bad feelings about the whole situation. I've tried to not be angry at myself, Brandon, the...

The weirdest things are a punch to the gut after losing a child. Hearing a baby cry, watching the little boy in the pool with his floaties on, the emails and mailers that continue to come because the companies don't know better... Not everything hurts the exact same every single time. Within weeks of losing Carter, it seemed like everyone and their dog was having a baby. Seriously, there are probably about five people I would consider friends that had a baby within days of us delivering Carter. Sometimes I'm able to think about it in a positive way, like how nice it will be to have all these children to watch grow up, and be able to mark milestones for Carter based on what they are doing. But generally, it hurts. Watching babies smile at their moms, or seeing them discover their feet, or hearing them coo. My baby should be here doing that too. I've noticed that when I am scrolling through pictures on Instagram, I tend to pause a lot on the pictures of babies that are aro...

I have another emotional post written up and ready to go, but I thought I'd spare you and save it for next week. You're very welcome! A couple things are on my mind as we round off this week. First, I've had a huge influx of followers on Instagram this week. If any of you newcomers are reading this post, thank you for being here! Thank you for reading our story and getting to know our boy, and thank you for all your kind comments. I'm happy our story is reaching people, and am especially happy (I guess?) to connect with other angel moms in the world. What a sucky club to be a part of, but I'm thankful we have each other to lean on and talk to. Secondly, Brandon has been a saint this week. While I was in Vegas, he cleaned the house, got the oil changed in the cars, washed and vacuumed both cars, and even worked on a little DIY project that technically was supposed to be mine to do (but I'm honestly so grateful I didn't have to do it haha). On top of all th...

For some reason this year I didn't want to spend my birthday weekend at home. I somehow convinced my friends (not that it was hard) to go to Vegas for the weekend, and I'm so glad we did! Some highlights.... Naked City Pizza at Moondoggie's. This place was on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, and it is so good . We ate there the first time we went, and I'm so glad we went back. The button operated curtains in our hotel room at the Bellagio. I've never felt swankier in my whole life. Jean Phillipe in the Bellagio. We ate there for breakfast and dinner on Saturday, and it was so freaking good. I had crepes both times, and my only regret is not going back for more. Our lyft driver to the MGM on Saturday was ridiculous. He tried to drive down this little one-way alley that was lined with cars (I finally had to just tell him to turn around and go back the way we were supposed to), then took us off course of the map because he said it would get us there faster (why don...

The cover picture was taken eight days before we knew there was a tiny baby in my belly. We had family pictures taken this day, and didn't even know the newest member was already being included. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I'd spent the past two weeks inhaling pesto, and spent the majority of my birthday week eating as much peanut butter chocolate ice cream as I could, thinking my stomach had inflated just for birthday celebrations. My family came into town that weekend, and my nose was working spectacularly well (the cats were having bathroom issues, and I could always smell it way before Brandon could). That Sunday night, I remember just crying about being 25. I tried to explain to Brandon, "all your life, you think you're going to be one person, and then next thing you know, you just aren't. you're a whole different person than you thought you'd be, but you're still a person, and it's just crazy how at some point in your life ...

This is going to be a long one, so sorry! Last year, before I turned 25, I made a list of 25 goals , so I thought it would be fun to post them on here and see how many of them I can check off. It's hard to think about how much I've done/accomplished/changed in a year. It feels like it has been at least three years since I wrote all these. Anyway...results are in bold italics. Finish my book - check Stop being so hypercritical of my work.  -check...ish Be excited for other people.  -check Travel more  -still traveled lots, but maybe not more than we did that year! Exercise more-and I don't mean like go to the gym every day, but get fit in my own way. Dancing, running, simply getting out and doing things instead of sitting on my butt in front of the couch with some Ben & Jerry's in hand.  -HA. Don't be so quick to say no.  -I actually feel pretty good about my achievements in this one. Go self. Don't be so quick to write myself off.  -given recent circ...