Freckle Eye Fancy

Brandon and I have talked a lot about how the 26th of every month is quite a bit harder than the 27th. This month, the 26th and 27th fall on a Wednesday and Thursday, today and tomorrow. And while tomorrow will be hard, thinking back on what happened six months ago from today is a lot harder. It's weird to explain, but Carter's birthday is a beautiful day for me, despite the sadness that tinged everything. We finally got to meet our sweet boy, see his face, hold him, kiss his little chubby cheeks. We became a family of three that day. Thinking about our appointment the afternoon before though, that's a different story. I don't know how much detail I went into when I posted his story; those first few weeks were all a blur. The day of our 39 week appointment, I left work and called Brandon to see how close he was, then told him to just go home and that I would pick him up on my way to the appointment. I can't stress enough how important this was on that day. We had...

Day three in Amsterdam was a very informative one! We let ourselves sleep in a little, then had breakfast at this cute little cafe. Our plan after that was to go to the Van Gogh Museum, but we had to wait in line for over an hour before. We waited, and it was probably worth it just to say we've seen some of his more famous pieces. After the museum, we took the train out to Sloten, a little town that sits on the very edge of Amsterdam. There, we got to tour a working windmill! This was probably my favorite part of Amsterdam, because we learned basically why Amsterdam is the way that it is. Quick story: when our plane landed in Amsterdam, Brandon looked at his phone, and it said we were sitting below sea level. We were really confused, but we figured the phone probably was too.  Back at the windmill, we learned that Amsterdam really does sit below sea level! In fact, many parts of it, including the airport, used to be lakes. They built windmills to pump the water out of the lake s...

Half of this was written on the bathroom floor, and I couldn't bring myself to read through and edit it, so sorry in advance if there are any typos/grammatical errors. I was going to post another day of Amsterdam, but I wanted to talk about Carter today. It's going to get real, and if I say anything that makes you feel like you should apologize to me, please don't. That's not what I'm getting at, I just wanted to write about how I feel. I wrote about this two weeks ago, but it has still been looming over me. Honestly, I don't know that it will ever go away, but I wish my anxiety about it would just simmer down. I'm afraid of a lot of things in life, spiders, snakes, death, heights, the dark, but I've never been so afraid of anything as much as I fear people forgetting about Carter. It's a very strange feeling, to have carried a baby for nine months, have the ultrasounds hanging on your fridge, all the clothes washed and in his dresser, have the cr...

Day 2 in Amsterdam, and our first full day, was one that we all were really looking forward to! We let ourselves sleep in that morning, since we were still so jet-lagged from the night before, then headed back toward Central Station to find some breakfast. We ate at this cute little pancake place, and ordered Dutch pancakes, which are essentially just crepes, but a little thicker, and not quite as delicious (in my personal opinion). Mine was covered in chocolate though, so I was happy. We ordered Dutch pancakes, because of course we kind of had to, but I saw someone order American pancakes with chocolate on them, and I still dream about them. They just looked so fluffy and delicious, and I really wish we would have gone back for them haha. But anyway, that's not what this post is about. After breakfast, we went and picked up our rental car! We got lucky and were upgraded to a car with gps, which was nice for me because I didn't have to navigate us the whole way to our destin...

There's a chance I could fit a majority of our trip into one post, but to save you a little, I've decided to break it up. So here we go! A few months ago, Brandon and I decided that we needed to go on a vacation. We had just been to Disneyland, but we wanted to go somewhere new over my spring break, and for some reason, Amsterdam stuck out in my head as the place to go. Fast forward a little while, and we were on our way! The Thursday before we left, we got a text that our flight had been delayed, and then Friday morning, Brandon got an email that one of our hotels had closed, and would not be refunding us due their cancellation policy. Shout out to Citi Card for disputing the charge and refunding us anyway! I thought for sure that these were signs of how the whole trip was going to be, but besides those two things, it actually went off without a hitch. Anyway! After a l o n g  plane ride, we got to Amsterdam at about 11:00 am. We dropped our luggage off at the hotel, then h...

We always take a sad picture on our last day of vacation. I don't really know why, but this one is from San Diego a few years ago. We come home from our trip tomorrow, and I'm already sad about it. I should clarify. I'm sitting at my desk typing this two days before we even leave for our trip, and I'm already sad about coming home. Vacations always go way too fast, don't they? You don't want the vacation to be over, and then you get home and you feel like you need a vacation from your vacation. You just can't win. The only good solution, I think, is just for all of us to quit our jobs and travel the world for the rest of our lives. Who's with me? Also, in the spirit (my own personal spirit, anyway) of coming home from a vacation, I'd like to hear where we should travel to next. When we get home from a vacation, I need about three days to recover, and then I'm back on Expedia pricing out trips. So if anyone would like to offer up suggestions as...

Sometimes I really dislike feeling so connected to my phone all the time, but social media has done some pretty neat things for us since we lost Carter. I have been able to connect with a lot of other angel moms, and have felt so much love and support from friends and strangers near and far. That being said, I've had quite a few new people visit the blog. I feel like probably the only things they know about me are that I have the best husband, lost my son, and love Disney. While all three are true (and honestly probably the most important pieces of my life) I thought I'd share a little bit more about myself! So here we go! I really am married to the greatest man. He is the best husband, son, and dad I could ever ask to have in my life, and I'm constantly trying to figure out ways to repay him for all the kindness and love he's given me in the past six years. We have one perfect little angel baby, Carter Mckay, that we love very much, even though our time on earth wit...

Before we went to Disneyland in January, I knew that certain aspects of the trip were going to be a little difficult/sad. We announced our pregnancy to my family at Disneyland last year in March, and the one thing I remember most prominently is standing teary eyed on a corner near city hall as we shared our wonderful news. That corner was the one thing I knew I really wanted to avoid.  In the days leading up to our trip, Brandon told me that he bought me a gift, and that it should be at our house before we left. We checked the mail right before we left, and it wasn't there. He was so sad, because he had double checked with the seller that it would be here on time, and it still wasn't. He ended up telling me what it was, and even though I didn't have it, I still thought about it all weekend, and it was just as special.  The gift wasn't just for Disneyland, even though it is Disney themed. We have taken it with us when we've driven somewhere for a weekend, and it...

I know I mentioned it a little in Friday's post, but lately I've been afraid people are starting to forget about what happened. Not meaning that they don't remember Carter or that we lost him, but that they don't remember the aftermath of everything we've been through, and the grief we are still dealing with. Most days, it's really easy to put on a big smile and fake it, and some days, we're actually okay. But I worry that the good days will outshine the bad, and people will forget that the hard days still exist.  I almost hate to say this, because I feel like it makes me sound greedy, but the day the mass influx of sympathy cards stopped coming, I cried so much. Every time I checked the mailbox and there was nothing but junk mail or bills, my heart broke a little more. I don't know why, but  for those of us who have experienced a loss, I think we almost need someone else to validate it. We need someone to let us know that the person we lost was real,...

You know how when someone's couch has an imprint of their butt on it, and you're supposed to be all like "oh wow, that person spends far too much time in front of their tv. they should get a hobby, they should go outside, they need friends..." Well I ignored all that negative self talk this weekend, and while I didn't leave a permanent imprint, I did leave the couch looking a little more worn than it was on Thursday, so I have deemed it a successful weekend. Friday night, we got home from work, thought about going to the gym, laughed and headed immediately to the couch to binge 13 Reasons Why. I think I mentioned it before, but I finished the book on Wednesday last week and didn't know the series was being released on Netflix so soon, so I was pretty excited about it. It's probably not for everything, there is a lot of swearing, some sexual content, and the whole story revolves around a suicide, but I think it is an important story that needs to be told...