Freckle Eye Fancy

Between appointments, resting, editing videos, and running errands, sometimes it's hard to find time to sit down and just blog. So it has been a while since I've posted anything besides a bumpdate or one of my weekly lists! It's hard though, since this pregnancy is basically the only thing I can ever think about! Brandon always tries to talk to me about other things and it's so hard to focus haha. I just want to talk about the nursery and delivery and all things baby related!  Our long weekend was so nice. Brandon got off work a little early on Friday and we redecorated the nursery, then Saturday we went to Logan to visit the babies. It was a really nice day so we went and walked around campus for a little bit too before going home. Sunday was really rainy and dreary for most of the day, so we hung out at home until going to have maternity pictures taken that night! On Monday my cousin and her husband came down for a little bit, so we went baby shopping! That was the...

May 29, 2018 Three more weeks!! Oh little baby, I am getting so dang excited to meet you. Every single day I think about all the fun things we’re going to be able to do with you and my heart swells. My excitement level goes up so much each day, which in turn increases my fear of losing you. I just want you to be here already. I know three weeks really isn’t that long, but it seems like forever at this point!! We redecorated the nursery over the weekend, and it was actually really good. It was kind of hard to see all your brother’s things come down, but it felt really nice to put up all your decorations and get the room ready for you. I was afraid that it wouldn’t have the same feeling of familiarity and peace that it did before, but it absolutely does. I can feel your brother in there too; he’s going to be watching over you very closely. On Saturday we took you up to Logan to visit your siblings one last time before you are born. I can’t wait to take you to see them once you are her...

May 22, 2018 LESS THAN ONE MONTH UNTIL YOU ARE HERE!!! We have four weeks left, which is insane. I can’t believe that we are so close. Last weekend we washed all your clothes and blankets, and I found myself feeling SO excited, which then made me feel so scared. As of right now, everything is good and going well, but we know how quickly that can change. I’m starting to let myself think about the possibility of you coming home, and am starting to make plans for things we will do once you are here. I really am so excited, but also so scared. I won’t know how to get through another loss if something were to happen. This weekend we are going to redecorate the nursery! I’m less nervous to see it changed than I was before, since we did kind of a trial run a couple weekends ago. It will be kind of weird to see it with different colors and different decorations, but I think your dad and I are both feeling really good about it! We are really looking forward to getting it ready for you! A few...

Last week's list asked me to list what I think my loved ones would say when asked how they would describe me. It was interesting to see the prompt, because the morning I did the list, I had been thinking about what Brandon thinks of me. I had been texting him, telling him that I appreciate him being so understanding and careful with my emotions. He responded that we have been through a lot together, which for some reason got me thinking about the way he thinks about me. The first thing I thought of was that I hope he thinks I'm strong. I actually really hate when people tell me that I'm strong, because I feel so weak, but I hope that Brandon can see the strength it takes for me to make it through each day. If he sees me as strong, then there's no reason I can't see my own strength too. As I finished out this list with the words I thought he would use to describe me, I found it easier than I expected, and I found myself not fighting the words that came to mind. Ma...

Hi little bean, I know it has been a whole year since we've had you, but I wanted to take the opportunity to write to you anyway. The last week or so has been kind of a whirlwind of emotions. Every single day was the year mark of something, so every day there was something different on my mind. The day we went to the ER, the day we found out we were going to lose you, our last full day with you, the day we found out we lost you, and then finally, the day of our d&c. Wednesday was the 16th, the day we had the d&c last year. I've just been thinking about you so much lately. Actually, if I'm being honest, staying home for the last five months has allowed for a lot of time to think about you. One day I was organizing the closet in the office, and I came across the two pieces of art I had bought to hang in the nursery. Your dad let me buy them before we had confirmed your gender. I was so sure that I knew it was you. Those pieces had been in the closet for a long time...

May 15, 2018 Holy cow. We can now count the number of weeks left on ONE HAND!! One hand!! Wow we are getting so close. It’s incredible, really. For the longest time, I didn’t think we’d ever get to this point again. I guess after losing your brother, any hope I had for anything good was gone. Thank you for giving that back to me. This last week has been uneventful still, but it has been different than previous weeks! I’m starting to feel uncomfortable, laying down is the only thing that feels good. I’ve had some back pain too, which I anticipated, but just kind of forgot how annoying it is haha. I’ve had a little bit of lower back pain, but at the end of each day my back hurts up in between my shoulder blades. That’s where it always hurt with Carter too, it’s weird. Sleep has been harder to come by this week too. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, but then in the mornings I want to sleep forever. I’m feeling so lazy!!! Luckily it is supposed to warm up later this week, and I’m ...

Last week's list was pretty empowering. The prompt asked me to list things about myself that I don't  need to change. And the first thing that came to mind was: anything. I don't need to change anything abut myself. I mean yes, there are a few small things that I could probably stand to do better or do differently but overall I am very happy with the person I am and have become. I am caring, strong, kind, empathetic, organized, considerate, patient...among other things. I'm not quite sure when I got to this point, but I am actually confident in who I am. I have my insecurities still, but in light of everything, they seem so insignificant.  Looking back on all my younger years, I'm forced to appreciate where I am at right now. For so long I struggled to be happy with who I was, but now, I feel pretty good about it. READ MORE <div class=" summary-block-wrapper summary-block-collection-type-blog summary-block-setting-text-size-small summary-bloc...

I just realized that I'm a week behind on these, so you might end up getting a double dose this week. Actually, what I think happened was that I started sharing the lists a week after I wrote them, but now I'm just confused so who knows. ANYWAY. Last week's list asked for tv shows, movies, and books that make me happy. This one was pretty easy, because I only watch and read things that makes me happy (which makes sense, right?). We really do just watch funny shows together. Designated Survivor is the most serious show that we watch, but besides that everything is just funny. Same with movies too. I can't really do scary movies or super serious movies. I have been that way for a long time, but especially since losing Carter, I just would rather watch things that leave me happy and light. It is the same with books too, although I can be a little more lax with those. I read a super intense book a few months ago, and I don't think I will do that again. It was a good ...

May 10, 2018 Hudson! I can’t believe it has already been over a week since the last time I wrote to you! Having our Arizona trip in between our week marks really made this last week speed by, and now we are down to just forty days left!! The trip was so much fun, and I’m so glad we were able to take you with us. It was super hot, and we napped a lot, but you seemed to enjoy it. You slept all through Taylor Swift, probably because I was dancing so much. And we got to go swimming! I think you liked that? I don’t know, but I enjoyed it! Last week on Wednesday we had a non-stress test that went very well. We were supposed to see the doctor too, but he had to leave to go deliver a baby, so it was a quick appointment. Friday was dad’s birthday, and we had such a fun day! We had a tasty breakfast, went to Best Buy (which I’m sure you’ll become very familiar with), hung out at the lake, finally got you a sno cone, and then had some waffles for dinner! I’m excited for you to get here and be ...

You guys this week has seriously been so crazy. Crazy and lazy. I got sick last week and Brandon has just been the biggest champ for putting up with me wanting to do nothing. I finally have energy to do things, but this cough I have keeps me from being able to breathe! Luckily, I can feel that it's on its way out, which is good since we are leaving for Arizona tomorrow! But today is Brandon's birthday!!!! He is 30 today, which means that I have known him for EIGHT years!  He is the coolest 30 year old that I know. People in their twenties go through a lot. You graduate college, get jobs, change jobs, buy a house, maybe buy another house, and occasionally move states. Get married, have babies. The usual things. Brandon has gone through so much in the last two years, having to be a dad to heavenly babies. It hasn't been easy for me, so I can only assume it has been hard for him. But you guys, he is the best dad. The best husband. I am so grateful for him. He is the kindest...

I got a little behind with blogging this week because I have been sooooo sick! Over the weekend we just laid around, and I have continued to do that this week too. I have this gross cough that just won't go away. It's the worst! But that's alright. I'm feeling better, and we leave for a trip on Saturday, so all is well! This week's list asked for experiences that make me feel like I have lived life to the fullest. They are, in no particular order, marriage, having babies, travel, helping others, taking control of my own life, and spending time with Brandon. I'm sure there are more, but these are the ones that came to mind quickly. The take action box in the journal asked if I can take the joy and excitement of these events and re-create them on a smaller scale, and I think that's such an easy thing to do. At the risk of sounding cheesy, just being with Brandon every day makes me feel like I'm living life to the fullest. He makes everything an adventur...

May 1, 2018 Little man you will be here next month!!!! We are finally in the 30’s for weeks, and only have seven weeks left until you are here! I can’t believe we are finally to this point. If we weren’t delivering early, we would have ten weeks left, which still seems crazy. This last week with you has been really good. We went in on Wednesday for our non-stress test, and got to try the 3D ultrasound again. You were SO much more cooperative than Monday! And you are so cute. You look a lot like your dad, and also so much like Carter. There were a couple shots we got where you looked just like him, and all i could do was lay there and cry. Your non-stress tests have all gone really well so far. You pass with flying colors, and are also super active during them! It’s fun because I get to feel you move, but during that time your dad can see and hear your movements! I really love that we get to do a non-stress test every week. It’s so reassuring. I got sick last week, and it still hasn’...