Freckle Eye Fancy

Have you seen the episode of The Office where Michael hits Meredith with his car, and then she has to go to the hospital? And when Michael walks in with some of the gang, he looks at Meredith and says peacefully, “She’s in a coma,” which she obviously is not. Brandon and I watched this episode while we were waiting for them to take me back for my D&C in 2017. (Side note, saying the year like that makes it seem like so long ago. Holy cow.) When I woke up in the recovery room with Brandon, the first thing I said while my eyes were still closed was “she’s in a coma.” I figured I might as well try and lighten the mood. We went home that afternoon and made french toast and watched tv, and did that until well into the evening. Later that night, I don’t remember what time it was, I just remember it was dark outside, a heated discussion started in our neighborhood Facebook group. At one point, a neighbor said to one of our friends (who we met because of our losses) “I’m guessing you don...

Today I took Hudson to a baby story time at the library. It was our first time going to story time, but not our first time at this library; we had been a few times since we moved. And actually, his first time at this library wasn't my first time. The first time I went to this specific library was two weeks after we lost Carter. Share, the wonderful organization that has supported us through everything, was having a support group there that night, and we went. They started by having us go around the table and share our story. When it got to us, I couldn't even make it through one sentence. I just cried, and I kept crying during the entire meeting. Brandon and the husband of the couple next to us passed the box of tissues back and forth all night. That mom is a good friend of mine now, but the first time I reached out to her I introduced myself as the girl she shared the Kleenex box with. We never went to another support group, but we did go for a lot of drives during that gri...

Eight months!! Holy moly! I can’t believe Hudson has been here for this long. It has gone fast, but not too fast. I think it’s going at the perfect speed actually. We are enjoying every single day and love watching him grow and develop. Honestly though, I don’t even know where the last month has gone. It seems like just last weekend he turned seven months. I’m trying to think about big things that have happened this month, and it’s hard because that’s how fast time has gone. He’s still not crawling, but that’s okay! He’s gotten really good at scooting around in circles, and can unintentionally scoot backwards very well. He gets really frustrated that he can’t crawl, especially when I’m making him do tummy time and all he wants to do is crawl into my lap. He’ll just scoot in a circle until he reaches my leg, then lay his head down on whatever part of me he can get to haha. We’re also still looking on solid foods. Meal time isn’t as rough as it used to be; he’ll at least open his mout...

I think I say this each time I blog, but blogging has been hard for the past seven months. In this case, I’m not talking about the lack of time. Hudson actually took awesome naps this week, and I took advantage of them by cleaning the house, lounging, and even reading a little bit. And then we both got sick so I spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday blowing my nose and trying to breathe. But I digress. Blogging has been hard since having Hudson here because even though I am so incredibly happy (like, grossly happy), there are still times when the grief hits and life feels hard. I always have my happy boy to pick me back up, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get sad about not having our other kids here, and I don’t necessarily feel like I have the right to share those emotions when I know there are other people who have lost children and don’t have any at home. Who am I to complain? But the fact is, some moments are still hard. And I’ve always wanted this blog to be a place where I...