Freckle Eye Fancy

In some ways, the end of this project, the end of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and Carter's first birthday feel like the end of a chapter. You know that Brandon and I will never forget Carter, but with each passing day, it gets easier to live with the pain, and I know that after his birthday, life will still continue to move forward. I will in no way be closing the door on the last year of our lives, and not a second will go by that I don't think of our babies, but I am going to work on giving myself permission to feel more of what I feel. If I am sad, I can be sad for as long as I want. But if I don't want to be outwardly sad that day, then I won't be. There is a common misconception with loss parents. Actually, there are about a million misconceptions, but there is a big one that kind of bothers me. If we are outwardly sad, people think we are "stuck" in our grief. If we are outwardly happy, then people assume that we are over the loss, or t...

I wanted to use this prompt to reflect on this project. It was not as easy as I thought it would be. Mostly, there were a lot of days where I didn't want to be sad, days that I didn't want to wallow in my grief and dig deep to feel things I wasn't quite up to feeling that day. I wrote a lot of these posts on the same day, then scheduled them out accordingly. It probably took me three days to get them all written, but even then, it was still hard, and I don't feel like I really did the posts justice. What I've learned from this is that it's hard to direct and limit your grief. With a lot of my posts, I write them when I need to, pound on the keyboard for a bit, and then an emotional weight lifts. With the Capture Your Grief posts though, I kept telling myself that I had to get them done, and they ended up making my day heavier instead of lighter. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I did it. It was a lot of writing, and it helped me to look at different ...

My previous tribe circle posts have been about the children we've had and the medical staff we love. As we come to the end of the Capture Your Grief project, I want to devote this last tribe circle post to our children that have yet to come to us. After we lost Carter, we had a lot of people tell us that we could always adopt (not a good line to say to a grieving parent, btw). That is definitely an option, but at this point, I can feel our children. I know, on whatever level, that they are out there, waiting to come to us. Maybe they will come to us through adoption. Maybe they will come to us biologically. However they get to us, I know that our little family is not yet complete. Not even close. Especially if you go off the number seventeen, which is how many kids I keep telling Brandon we are going to have. I love our family, however non-traditional it may be. We're not done yet, though. And we look forward to our future children, no matter how many we get.

A year ago yesterday, our whole world flipped upside down. A year ago today, we were at home, waking up early to no newborn crying. Wandering around the house, wondering the heck we were even doing with out lives. Spending too much time holding each other, with too many salt streaks on our faces.  Those first few days following our delivery are a vivid blur. They went to fast yet so slow, and I feel like I can't remember anything, even though I can picture it all so clearly. In a matter of minutes, everything we knew about life changed. That's what having a baby is supposed to do, but it didn't change things the way it was supposed to. For the past year, we have been tossed around from day to day, trying to regain our footing. When I finally feel like I have the grief under control, under wave comes and knocks me down again.

Today is our son’s first birthday. For a first-time mother, that seems like a strange thing to say. With each passing year, our own age shows that we are getting older. That we have more experiences and more life behind us than the year before. Then we have children, and we have one more number to count our lives by. One more life that gives us more to love and more to learn from. Another life that will fill each year with memories and milestones. But this past year has been different. So different than I ever imagined the first year of my first child’s life would be. The intricate, gray pattern of grief is woven with pieces of joy that sometimes catch the light and shine a little brighter. Joy at the fact that I do have a son, and that he made us a family. And that our love for him will never go away. There is so much joy to be had by knowing that he is ours forever. But there is also so much sadness at that fact that we only physically got him for a short amount of time. Our celeb...

This prompt is so fitting for today. If you want to know what I'm passionate about, read every single blog post for the last twenty months. If you want to know what I'm passionate about, ask me the reasoning behind everything I do. If you want to know what I'm passionate about, let me tell you about the best day(s) in my life. If you want to know what I'm passionate about, walk around our house and count how many airplanes you see. If you want to know what I'm passionate about, ask me how I can get out of bed each day. I am passionate about my children. It started the day we found out we were pregnant, and on the day Carter was born, exploded into a love that couldn't be contained. For the past 365 days, I have lived only for my children and our little family. Today, on my son's first birthday, I can tell you that the answer to all the above questions, is him.

Today is my son’s first birthday. I don’t know how many times I am going to say that today, but I have a feeling it will be a lot. It blows my mind how quickly this year has passed. I remember thinking that my pregnancy went quickly, but I had no idea that the year following would go even faster. The first three months were spent grieving heavily. The next two were spent adjusting to a new job. The three after that were full of daily celebrations that we were expecting again. After our second loss, time seemed to stand still and speed by at the same time. Our life is drastically different than we thought it would be after having a baby; we haven’t learned how to be parents in the traditional sense. No feedings, diaper changes, first steps, first smiles, baby jabber, snuggles, or watching his eyes light up as he discovers the world. We didn’t get to take him on any trips, or visits to see his grandparents. We didn’t get to watch our brothers become uncles. Instead we, and everyone el...

I posted this last year, two weeks after Carter was born, six years to the day that Brandon and I had officially been together (that last part wasn't intentional). We wanted to share his story again, because it matters to us. He is our son. Today, on his first birthday, we are remembering the day we finally got to meet him, and the day we had to say goodbye. There's a part of me that feels like I shouldn't be writing this yet. It has only been two weeks since we lost our sweet boy, so it feels like it's too soon. It all still feels like a dream. A nightmare, actually. But I'm writing it because I miss him, and I want people to know that it's okay to talk about him. And I'm writing it in hopes that it will make me feel better to get all my emotions out in words that I can't seem to say. To tell the whole story I feel like we need to start a little earlier. About seven weeks ago, September 25th, I didn't really feel Carter move all day until really ...

I wrote this letter to Carter a few days before we buried him. My dad read it out loud at the service, and then the letter was left at the cemetery with him. I tried to sum up our 39 weeks together in one simple letter, but there are not enough words to justify how much that time meant to me. Sweet Carter baby,  It feels like our time together was too short to put into words. But at the same time, there aren’t nearly enough words to adequately describe our love, gratitude, and happiness for the nine months we got to spend with you.  You were my little buddy while dad was away for work, even before we knew you existed. We got to take you coast to coast on adventures, and they were always infinitely more enjoyable knowing that you were right there alongside us. You said good morning and good night with your fierce, little kicks, and I know your dad and I are both grateful for the nights you kept us awake with your tiny hiccups.   Many of my memories of you consist ...

Today, a year after the worst day of my life, I can still tell you that miracles exist. I don't know how I can say that, given what Brandon and I have been through, but I can. I believe it with all my heart. Bad things happen to good people. Maybe the good people don't the miracles they deserve, but I think part of that miracle is that the good people can still believe in things like miracles. That we, on every level, have to dig and search for a reason to get out of bed and breath every day, yet we are still able to find good in the world. That somehow we are able to smile each day and see the silver lining to (some) things. Living without your child doesn't necessarily make you miraculous. But the love you have for them does.  Mothers of living children would probably tell you that looking at their baby makes their heart burst. As loss parents, all we have is the thought of our babies, but somehow that alone is enough. We don't have the memories or the sounds or th...

I don't have an indestructible heart.  Over the course of my life, my heart has been hurt many times, and it has taken a lot for me to make it stronger and be okay. Last year, my heart was shattered. It cannot be repaired. Maybe a better title for this prompt would be indestructible soul. Or maybe "how I learned to live while operating at a constant 1% of my usual gusto." I don't have an indestructible heart. I don't even have an indestructible will to live without my babies. But I have an indestructible love for them, 

This prompt is the reason we started vlogging. Not because we read this and decided we should do it, but because looking back, there are so many moments we wish we would have captured on camera. We feel like we are at a very pivotal point in our life where things could go so many different ways, and we wanted to start documenting it all a little more than just in words. We bought a camera at the end of June, and we have been a lot better about taking pictures. Now that we are vlogging, we almost always have the camera on us, and that has forced us to be better about documenting things! It will always be more important to me that we live in the moment, and if capturing so much of our lives starts to take away from that, then we will stop. But there have been too many times in the past year that I have wished we had documented more of each pregnancy. Life is fleeting, and capturing every moment, happy or sad (on camera or off) is something we have been and will continuing to be trying...

Brandon and I are so grateful for everything people have done for us since we lost Carter. Kind words, little gifts, pictures of airplanes spotted at random places....they are each enough to keep us going for one more day. Every little thing that people do lets us know that we, and are babies, are not forgotten. That even though our life may outwardly appear to be the same as it was a year ago, those who love us know that it is not. And that little reminder means more to us than you will ever know.

Another Sunday Tribe Circle post, but this one goes out to a different sort of family we acquired after we lost Carter. Certain things in life will bond you to people forever, and losing a child is one of those things. We had to switch doctors about halfway through our pregnancy with Carter, and now, I can't imagine having anybody else go through this with us. He has been there for each of our losses, everything I've been though postpartum, and is always willing to spend more time with us in appointments to answer questions. The nurses that were with us during our delivery are the best nurses I could have asked for during that time. I know I wrote about them last year, but we are still so grateful for the way they delicately handled our situation, and how fiercely protective they were of us. Brandon and I have talked multiple times about how we hope they can be there for our next delivery; we wouldn't want anyone else. When I showed up at the doctor's office the day ...

I have been trying to write this post for like, three weeks now, and I honestly don't know what to say for it. Dr. Teal's Soothe and Nourish is my favorite bubble bath, and I have been taking a lot of baths lately. I have also been taking a lot of time off work to nourish my soul, and I feel like it has done good things for me. I guess the point of this prompt would be to take care of yourself, body, heart, and mind. Boring post, but that's all I have.

Laughter is the best medicine. That's what they say, right? I have just a few random thoughts that I want to share for this prompt. I love watching our vlogs while Brandon edits them. We sit there and just laugh at ourselves and it's awesome. At night we fall asleep to Friends, The Office, or Parks and Rec, because being in the dark and quiet is too hard for me. I love when I roll away from the screen, but can still hear everything, because occasionally I'll just laugh, which makes Brandon laugh, and it's so funny. Brandon thinks it's hilarious when I am fake angry. Like, sometimes he can't stop laughing because he thinks it's so funny. It's weird, but I love it. Besides This Is Us, we only watch funny shows. We have always been like that, but are especially picky with the things we watch now after losing our babies. We only like laughing! This prompt was hard. I laugh a lot with Brandon, and with the cats, but I don't feel like I laugh as much no...

This post will be short, because how I feel about it is simple: The love we have for our babies transcends everything I have ever felt. Every earthly moment that I have here is just a blip in the long, spiritual life of love I have for our little family. The fact that I can love them so fiercely when they are so far away physically, lets me know that this life and our love are not just earthly. Our babies are close to us, even though we cannot see them. We love them now, and we will love them forever.

There is not one day when your grief magically shifts from heavy and unbearable to light and manageable. It just doesn't happen. Grief shifts back and forth whenever it pleases, and pays no attention to the things you want. You could pay your grief a million dollars to do what you wanted, and it would simply take your money and run. Grief is a dirty, sneaky player in the game of life. People say that it gets easier, but that's not entirely true. Living without your baby doesn't get easier, we just get stronger. We learn to live within our grief, learn to carry it in everything we do. The grief becomes a natural part of us that we'd rather not have on our backs, but it latches on and never lets go. Some days the grief is light, some days it is heavy, but it is always there. I wish I could tell you that one day the grief will shift, and that its weight will be less of a burden from that day forward, but I can't. I can tell you, however, that your grief will continu...

The past week and a half have been absolute garbage. All last week, I just kept thinking about how it should have been my last week of work. How we should have been prepping to bring home our little girl. But here we are. No baby. Not even pregnant. Not bringing home a daughter. Today would have been the day she was born. Her due date was November 8, but our doctor told us we will forever be induced at 37 weeks. Today would have been 37 weeks. I can almost picture what she would have looked like. Dark hair like Carter, her cheeks a bit fuller than his. I think they'd have the same lips though, with my shape, but Brandon's fullness. Rather than going to the hospital bright and early this morning, we headed to the airport. I knew today was going to be hard, so we both took the day off and planned a trip. I think this weekend will allow us to relax, recoop, and spend some good quality time together, hopefully with our babies' spirits close by. I wish I was 37 weeks pregnant...

Some days it feels like it was all pretend. Like we set up the nursery just for fun. That my stomach got bigger just because it could. That we didn't actually go to the hospital and deliver a baby. It's like I made it all up. I understand why women have more than one baby, even after feeling like their body is torn in half. You take one look at that cute little face, and suddenly the pain was all worth it. I don't have that cute little face at home to remind me of what I went through.  I no longer feel the pain I endured during my short labor. My aching body has been healed for almost a year. Sometimes we go to the cemetery, and the idea of our child being buried there feels intangible. I feel like we are doing it just because, like we're putting on a show, or making up some part of our life. We have to remind ourselves a lot that this is our  life. Most of the time it feels like we are on the outside looking in. But then we remember that we are the ones living it. O...

Losing our babies has made me more aware of the things I am thankful for. There are a million things that Brandon does for me that I could list, and so many people I could go on and on about. But since last year, I have noticed myself feeling more grateful for the little things. The sharp, winter air that renewed me on bad days last December. The little moments that Brandon and I share. The tiny snuggles from the kitties that help to heal my heart. When Walmart is stocked up on Ben & Jerry's and I don't have to go to a different store for my Half Baked. Little things. Have you ever had those moments where you are so happy you feel like your heart is about to burst? Before losing Carter, I'd had only a few of those days. The day we delivered and finally got to meet our sweet boy put my heart on permanent burst mode, and now I swear, every little, good thing stretches the seams a bit farther.  Sure, there is a giant hole in my heart where his life should be, but someho...

I wanted to give everyone some background on what Wave of Light is, since I did not know what it was until doing some research. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with the actual remembrance day on October 15th. The idea behind Wave of Light is that, on October 15th, loss families, friends, and loved ones will light a candle, lantern, or anything of the sort at 7:00 pm local time. This results in a 24-hour wave of light that is lit in remembrance of babies that are gone too soon. Brandon and I attended a support group some time ago, and were given white paper bags and tea lights for each baby we have lost. For a few weeks, I kept meaning to light them, but kept forgetting. I am grateful now that we have something significant we can light at 7:00 tonight. If you'd like, join us tonight by lighting a candle, or even just flipping on a light, at 7:00 tonight. As you do so, remember the families that are lighting their own candles, and wishing they lived in a worl...

It's not so secret, but for each child that gets buried near Carter, we do something special. After we see the child's name, we go to the store, pick out a journal specifically for that family, and leave a note explaining who we are. I always leave my email address and phone number, and tell the parents that they are welcome to reach out when/if they feel like doing so. I remember how alone Brandon and I felt in the hospital, and we want these parents to know that they are not alone at all. If they have no other support, no one else that understands, we are willing to be that for them.  The parents know who the journal is from, and I have heard back from a few of them. We generally only speak the one time, but I am still glad that I leave the note, because it allows us to feel bonded together. The loss community is a very strong one, and we have to stick together. Not everyone validates that we are parents, or that our losses are real, but other loss parents do. If all I can...

NOTE: This post was written last week. We are still donating to Riverton Hospital! This post should just start with a giant HA, because I have never been a student of life more than I am now. And life is like a teacher from the olden days that uses a ruler as punishment. Not that I'm being punished, but life is a harsh teacher sometimes! The biggest lesson I have learned is that things are going to happen, whether you want them to or not. Life does not go the way you plan for it to go. Maybe sometimes, but in the grand scheme of things, it won't. I, for example, just hung up with Riverton Hospital, and was told that they are already receiving a CuddleCot from someone else. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. We were told just two weeks ago that they didn't have one, and we had our hearts set on giving ours to them. My "plan" is ruined, and now we have to find a different hospital to give it to. I've also learned that it is no use stressing about thin...

I'm changing this one more to "a day to beam" because I think we deserve that, even in the midst of our grief. There have been days since losing Carter that have been ridiculously good. The day we found out we were pregnant with little bean, for example. Sometimes I have a good day and feel so incredibly guilty. Other times, on those good days, my heart is full and I can feel my babies close. There is no guilt that clouds the happiness that I am allowed to feel.  Sometimes I think we (as humans in general not just as loss parents) find one reason or another to tell ourselves that we shouldn't have a good day. Or we find some aspect of our day that makes it a bad day. Not every day will be stellar, heck not every day will even be good. Bad days are normal. And sometimes, frankly, I love them, because they give me a reason to sit in front of the tv all night with Ben & Jerry, my two favorite men besides Brandon and Milo. But we can't be afraid to give ourselv...

Original post on Still Mothers Losing our son was the single worst experience of my entire life. Losing our daughter was a little easier. Miscarrying our third seemed almost routine. They have all been hard, but with each loss, I’ve also lost more and more of my hope and optimism. My motto of “keep moving forward” is getting harder and harder to follow. It gets harder every day to believe that I may someday get to be the mother I’ve always wanted to be. It doesn’t matter how much time you’ve had with your child, every loss simply sucks. Having three losses back to back to back in a matter of ten months has caused us to compare and contrast each one. Obviously losing our Carter was the hardest, because we lost him a week before his due date. The nursery was all set up, we had more supplies than we probably needed, and the carseat was already secured and ready for him. We were blindsided. We were ready to love and then were suddenly left with nowhere to direct that love. We had to dec...

Oh how I could write a million page essay on why life is short. I have always been a big believer in treating oneself. Whether that is socially, mentally, physically, monetarily, food-wise, or other, I strongly believe in doing the things you want to. You want to eat the cake? Eat the dang cake. You want to move to Paris, just because? Do it. You don't like the negative impact someone is having on your life? Treat yo'self and cut them the heck out. Sounds harsh, but life is too short for someone to kill your vibe. Brandon and I have been traveling a lot since we lost Carter. I would say too much, but I don't believe that's true. With each trip, there comes the stress of paying off everything beforehand, then paying off the food and souvenirs after. Sometimes I stress out too much, because we probably should be saving the money, or paying off the Edge, but why? Why should we waste our lives working just to keep living if we don't ever really feel alive?  I am very...

Putting together the nursery was so fun. We gave ourselves an unlimited budget, and made it a comfortable space where we'd want to spend time. As we were preparing for Carter, we did spend a lot of time in the nursery. We'd go in there to just hang out, or go in there to get things done, and it became very natural to spend much of our downtime in that space.  After we lost him, his room became a safe place for me to go. A place where I could be sad or be angry, a place I could cuddle his stuffed animals and snuggle with his blankets. A place I could imagine a different sort of life than the one I was living.  His room was supposed to be a place for him to play and sleep and grow, but instead, it became a reminder of the things we don't have. Friends that have lost babies earlier have asked if having the nursery all set up has made it harder or easier, and I have to say it has made things easier. We don't have Carter at home, but we have all of his things. There are c...

I kept writing and rewriting this post, and decided that I didn't want to share what I had planned for it. So instead of a post, here's a nice picture of the ocean instead. May it wash away your worries today.

Today has been a rough day.  We got home from Boise last night around 9:00, which is much later than we usually get home. After unpacking and hanging out with the cats, we got a snack, and waited for my cousin to get back to our house (he's staying with us for a week and a half), then sat around and talked for a while. This morning came far too quickly, and neither of us were ready to get out of bed when the alarm went off. But we got up, got ready, and left for work. Literally, the second I got to my desk, I realized what today should have been. Today should have been my last Monday before leaving my job. I should be frantically prepping to bring home baby number two, anxiously awaiting our induction date. I realized this morning that I have to get something for my boss for Bosses Day, a day I didn't think I would be here for, because it falls two days before the day we planned to have our little bean. Dwelling on this doesn't change anything, I know that. It doesn'...

We have spent this weekend having some major bonding time with my family. Throughout this past year, I would say that we have seen either of our families at least twice a month. We have seen my family at least every six weeks, and Brandon's at least every three. It has been really nice, but there is something to be said about having down time at home with just us and the cats. Maybe it's because I've become a homebody since we lost Carter, but home is my favorite place to be. I love being with Brandon, snuggling with the cats, and being in the place that reminds us most of our children. At the end of the day, a long week, or a busy weekend, there is no place, and no other people/cats that I would rather share my time with.

Like all the other prompts this month, there are a lot of things I could write about for today. The first time we found out we were pregnant, our first ultrasound, our first time meeting Carter, the first trip to the cemetery, the first time seeing his headstone. We have had a lot of "firsts" in the last year. There are a lot of "firsts" you are supposed to experience after you have a baby, but ours have been different than we thought they would be. I could go on and on about any of the above topics, but I want to write about something else. The idea of "the first time I smiled after losing Carter" keeps running through my head. I know it's a different subject than you might have imagined, but I feel like it's important. I can't pinpoint the moment when I smiled for the first time, but I know it was sooner than I had expected. At various points during the morning that we delivered him, I smiled. I smiled first probably because labor was fina...

When I read the prompt for today, only one thing popped into my mind. Last year, after we lost Carter, Brandon and I would go for drives a lot of the time. Sometimes it was in the afternoon, but a lot of times, it was at night. After a movie, before dinner, late at night when we should have been in bed....for some reason the drives just seemed to help. I remember we would just drive around, and if I asked strongly enough, I could feel Carter's spirit. I could almost feel him hugging me, with a slight pressure around my shoulders and against my cheek, like he had his little head pressed against my face. There is no real point in telling you this story, but it just is nice to remember sometimes.  One night, we drove up and parked by the lake. I remember thinking about when we were dating, how we used to drive up into the mountains to watch movies in the back of the Xterra. We were so young. Nothing major to worry about. Six years later, we were parking the car to cry over los...

Last Friday morning, I was finally able to talk with the people that will be supplying the CuddleCot. They are located in Florida, and have been without internet for a while due to the hurricane. But we finally connected, and the ball is rolling, people!! We have paid for the CuddleCot, and the order was placed yesterday! Generally, the cots take about two weeks to arrive (given that Florida doesn't get slammed with another hurricane), so it should be to us around October 15th. I spoke with the hospital we are planning to donate it to that day as well, and the woman I spoke with said they were happy to accept the donation, but that I'd want to speak with the labor and delivery manager to confirm.  I talked to the manager yesterday, and she said that someone else is already planning to donate a CuddleCot to them. I did a quick Google search that led me to a Facebook group, in which there was a post from September 9th that said they were also planning to donate to Riverton, b...

Rather than go into detail about things I do for my "soul therapy," I'm just going to make a list. Please note: some of these things are not the healthiest things, and I am okay with that. Cry Exercise Laugh Eat Eat ice cream Play with the cats Play with puppies (shout out to our neighbors for having puppies) Girl time with my besties Disneyland Heart to hearts with other loss moms Write Snuggle other people's babies Hang out with my favorite children Shopping Actual therapy Throw soft things at the wall Take a bath Nap Watch a funny movie Go shopping with Brandon Work on a project around the house Clean Plan a vacation I almost just put Disneyland here again on accident  Drink water Go to Costa Vida Go for a walk Walk around the lake with Brandon Make a to-do list and get shiz done Organize literally anything; pantry, dressers, cupboards, movies, etc. I'm sure these are not all the things I do to cleanse my soul, but each of these things definitely help. They ...

There are a million things I could write about pertaining to where I don't  belong. I feel like, as we grow up, there are constantly new places we don't belong in, new groups of people we don't belong to, and just a general sense of wanting to belong that we are never able to satisfy. There is this new group I have become a part of, one that I very much belong to, that has, at the same time, made me unable to belong to a different group. The latter group, of course, is traditional motherhood. I could write for hours about the ways I don't belong to traditional motherhood, but that's not what this post is about. This post is about where I do  belong. And that place, the one specific place to which I have no doubt that I belong, is mine and Brandon's little family. People can try to deny it, or try to take it away from me, but these are the things I know for sure: I am a wife I am a mother I have been married for six years to the most wonderful guy I became a m...

This past weekend was a nice one! Friday night we watched Utah State beat BYU, then Saturday we drove up to Logan to see the babies and go to a baby shower. The colors in Sardine Canyon were so pretty! On the drive home, Brandon mentioned a drive called the Alpine Loop that he had heard about. We did that on Sunday and it made Sardine Canyon look like nothing!! It was seriously so pretty. We stopped probably five or six times to get out and take pictures; we just couldn't get enough! There were so many people up there trying to take selfies with the colors in the background, and honestly my favorite part of that day was asking people if they wanted us to take a picture for them. I do not, by any means, have what it takes to be a photographer, but I understand why people do it! It was so fun to be able to capture that moment for them. Now just get ready for a picture overload, because there are a lot of them! (and if you still haven't seen enough colors, watch our newest vlog...

Brandon and I love the movie Meet the Robinsons. The whole time we have been married, we have always quoted it, saying "Keep Moving Foward," but have been using the phrase much more since we lost Carter. So much, in fact, that the sweetest soul offered to paint a little sign for us, and now our mantra greets us each time we enter and leave our home. Loss of any kind is something that people do not just "move on" from. Not the loss of a parent, spouse, child, or unborn child. You don't move on. Moving on implies that you grieve for a bit, then get over it. It implies that the hurt goes away and that eventually, you forget about the lack of that person in your life. I can only speak for myself, but I know for a fact that I will never "move on" from losing Carter and Little Bean and our little five day baby. I will never "get over" these losses. Yes, some days it may hurt less, but the hurt will always be there. We say "keep moving forwa...

Exciting news!!! We are almost 1/3 of the way to being able to donate a second CuddleCot!! You guys were so awesome, and helped us reach our first goal in under a week. As you may know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. To do our part in raising awareness, we are hoping to raise enough money for the second CuddleCot by the end of the month. To help us achieve that goal,  (and this is the exciting part) we have ordered some new products! We have Origami Paper Airplane Necklaces, and if you aren't a necklace person, Paper Airplane Bracelets! Each piece comes in gold or silver, and are $15.00. We only have thirty of each in stock (of course, we'll order more when we run out) so order yours now ! Click here to shop! We will be getting one more item in very soon! This one is my personal favorite, so I can't wait to share it with you guys!  Thank you again for all your support so far. We appreciate all the donations and purchases that have been made so f...