Freckle Eye Fancy

February 27, 2018 Little Hudson, past week has been the BEST week with you. We started off with your anatomy scan last Tuesday, and we had an ultrasound yesterday too!! Let’s go back to last week. We ordered an art piece for your room that we are so excited about!! I am actually starting to get excited to put it together. Friday night I felt like you weren’t moving quite as strongly as you had before, so I got really stressed. You were still moving consistently, just not super forcefully. That kind of continued all weekend, but yesterday you were right back to your normal schedule and strength! I’m thinking maybe our change of schedule just got you all mixed up. On Saturday, dad took me to go buy some maternity clothes! I bought a band to wear around my non-maternity pants that I really love, but this new pair of maternity pants will be good. I got them and a cute shirt, and I actually felt like a cute pregnant lady for a change! It was so nice! Then we went and got curtains for you...

This last week's list asked for the greatest compliments or encouragements I've ever been given. I made my list last weekend, and most of the things I listed revolved around my writing or my feelings. Those are two things that I have always really prided myself on, and to hear compliments about them from other people has always really meant so much. But I wanted to add something to this list, and share it with you, that I hadn't thought of before. I got a text from a friend last week thanking me for writing about our loss and educating others on how to help other loss parents. This isn't the first time I've heard it, but it came from someone very important to me, so it meant that much more. It takes a lot of strength to go through a loss, let alone share all the emotions online so vulnerably, but knowing that I am helping other loss parents and  those around them is the best compliment I could ever receive surrounding our losses.  Brandon and I were talking recen...

February 20, 2018 20 weeks!!! I can’t believe we are at this point already. But when I say already, I also mean holy crap the last sixteen weeks have crawled by. Somehow it’s already the middle of February, but October also seems like SOOOO long ago. It blows my mind. But we have seventeen weeks left until we meet you, and we are getting so excited! Today was a day full of impatience, anxiety, a little bit of stress, and so much excitement! Our appointment wasn’t until two, so from the time we woke up until the time they called us back, your dad and I were both pretty anxious. Not necessarily because we were nervous, we were just ready to get it done and know that everything was good. Thankfully, they called us back ten minutes early (which was great for both my sanity and my bladder) and we got started! Our tech was new to that hospital, so she took her time and made sure she got everything the doctor needed. She was pretty quiet the whole time, but every so often she reassured us ...

Last week's list asked for things from my past and present that feel like blockades in the way of my happiness. There were a few things from my past that I still struggle with, but I won't delve into those. Presently, I would say that my grief is my biggest roadblock. It has given me social anxiety, has taken away my naivete and my belief in the good of the world, and has made me angry. Overall, the grief just comes from a really sad situation, and even though I still have good, happy days, that grief is the one thing that can bring me down. There is a take action box at the bottom of the list that asks me to look back at week five's list and see if any of my past great decisions can influence how I handle these roadblocks. Looking back at that list showed me that even in my occasional struggles for happiness, I should still be confident in the decisions I make. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am, and this grief, and any other roadblocks, are a ...

I'm in a weird spot with my blog right now.  Right after we lost Carter, I could post about my grief, and it seemed to be understood. Maybe because there was a note of optimism at the end of every post? But now, I feel like if I post things like that, I almost worry about what the reactions will be. Maybe it's because my grief has turned from sadness to anger? Are people more uncomfortable with anger than they are sadness? Or maybe it's me that is more uncomfortable with it. I have so many things I'd like to write, but I worry that people will take the posts personally, when they really aren't. I just have a general anger toward the world sometimes, but it's never directed at a particular person. Sometimes I sit down to blog, and feel at a complete loss. I either have too much to say, or I don't have anything to say at all. Besides growing a baby, our lives are pretty uneventful, so I have nothing else to talk about besides my feelings, that are occasiona...

February 13, 2018 Little man!! We did it! We made it halfway! Friday at noon (arbitrary time but oh well) marked halfway to our 37 week mark, when you will likely be induced. THANK GOODNESS. I am so ready to get to thirty weeks, holy moly. I feel like my anxiety is going to keep going up and up, but right now I’m feeling pretty good. You are healthy and MOVING! And there’s not much more we could ask for at this point. Nineteen weeks! Woohoo! Speaking of you moving, you are going crazy in there! Dad got to feel you move for the first time last week, even though your kicks were just teeny tiny. Sometimes I had to tell him when they were your kicks versus just a bubble or my heartbeat, but other times he could tell! Turns out you really like mexican food, which doesn’t surprise me, since that’s most of what I have eaten this pregnancy. I had a frozen burrito for lunch last week and you went nuts! You seem to like burritos way more than you like ice cream. But I do have to say that I ap...

This post is going up a day late, since we were in Boise over the weekend. When I was thinking about how I needed to get it done, and was starting to get frustrated that I didn't do it before we left, I realized that today is actually the perfect day to post my thoughts for this week. The prompt for this week asked me to list the best choices I've made in my life so far. Generally I wouldn't share my list on here, but I wanted to share this week's. Brandon Leaving my job at the counseling office for a school Quitting my job to be a stay-at-home pregnant lady Moving to Salt Lake for Brandon's job Buying our house my friends Moving up our wedding date Deciding we are Disney people yolo-ing learning to take breaks from people/situations cat our doctor deciding to be open with our grief Obviously, Brandon was first on the list, that was a no-brainer. And the cats, obviously. But what surprised me was that I feel like moving to Salt Lake was one of THE BEST choices I...

Since we launched Flying for Time, we've had countless people tell us how wonderful we are. They say we're an inspiration, and how wonderful it is that we can look past our pain to help others. Before I continue, I want to say that this post is not a platform that I'm using to get you to tell us how amazing we are. I'm actually trying to tell you the opposite. The amount of work we have put into this pales in comparison to the generosity we have been shown by others. Yes, I built out the product page and mailed out the necklaces, but none of it would have happened without the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. The fact that people have found a place in their hearts for not only our story, but the story of every single loss parent, is just as big of a gift as the CuddleCot. When they wear their airplane necklaces, I know they are not only thinking of Carter, but they are also thinking of other children that were gone too soon. They are thinking of the pare...

February 6, 2018 Hi little man! I can’t believe it’s February already, and that we’re basically a quarter of the way through the month. June better get here quickly! It also blows my mind that we are 18 weeks, and that Friday night is our halfway point. It seems to have gone so slowly but quickly at the same time. More slow than fast though. We’ve known for fourteen weeks now, and have nineteen weeks to go. Nineteen seems like so much! This past week has been pretty uneventful. I’ve been pretty hungry, but at this point, sleep has become the priority over eating. There were a few nights that I woke up for a bit in the middle of the night, but luckily I’ve been sleeping harder, so that makes up for it. Last night I slept for ten hours, and I honestly feel like I could have slept for at least two more. I’m just wiped out. I think you’re going through a growth spurt! At least my stomach seems to say so haha. I’m starting to get bigger, but I love it! It makes it so much more real. Em...

Guys I feel like I have been so bad at blogging. Since I don't have a set time that I'm in front of a computer, it's completely up to me to make time for it, and apparently I'm not very good at that! Lately it's just bumpdates, these lists, and angsty posts when I'm having a bad day. I said it before and I'll say it again, don't take any of the angsty posts personally. I'm hormonal, and still grieving, and writing helps me to get all the feelings out. If you feel like a post is directed at you, it's not! I'm never upset at anyone in particular, sometimes I just get upset! On that note, let's move onto last week's list! The prompt for week four asked for things that get me out of my head. Writing is a huge one for me. It's like journaling, and the reason I share the posts is because I feel like they can help other loss parents. I currently write for my own blog, and then I also write for Still Standing, which is another loss web...

I feel like a common thing for people to say to parents expecting a baby is "just wait" or "get ready for...". I understand it, but I also wonder if those people just forget that these parents obviously feel ready for those things, otherwise they probably wouldn't have tried to get pregnant in the first place. Since getting pregnant for the fourth time in two years, it seems that we are no exception to receiving these warnings. Tell us to get ready or be prepared for certain things, like we haven't been prepared for them for the two and a half years we've been trying for a baby. We know that babies mean less sleep. We know they mean taking care of someone besides ourselves. That's something we have wanted. That's why  we decided to have a family. We were ready to add new members to our team, and to take all the good and hard that comes with that decision. So, as a loss parent, you reassure people that you are indeed ready for it. That this is ...