Freckle Eye Fancy

I have been asked by a few people how I do so well at managing my anxiety, grief, and fear after losing three babies and being pregnant with another one. The short answer is: I don't. When I got that question over the weekend I literally started laughing. If people think I'm good at keeping it together after everything I've shared, I don't know that I want to find out what their idea of falling apart is. For the sake of full disclosure (even though I don't have to), I want to share what I do to deal with all the feelings. There is no shame in my recovery, and I will be the first to tell you that it is a constant work in progress. If you're looking for ideas or just to know you're not alone, then welcome. Because I feel like i've tried pretty much everything. Since the second we found out we lost Carter, I have allowed myself to feel every emotion. If it looks like I've got a brave, happy face on, it's more than likely because I had a meltdown ...

January 30, 2018 Hi little guy! I want to ask how you are doing, but I wish you could just answer me! We had an appointment yesterday, so I know you’re doing very well! Your heart is so strong, and you are looking so good! I didn’t go to the bathroom before our appointment yesterday, because I was hoping we could do an ultrasound, so it wasn’t easy to find your heartbeat with the doppler. It wasn’t scary, because we could hear it a little bit, but it just gave us flashbacks of being in there with Carter and little bean. So my vote is that we don’t use the doppler anymore!! You are starting to wiggle around so much in my belly! The other morning, I put my phone case on my tummy, and dad and I watched it move each time you’d kick. Your movements aren’t strong enough to feel from the outside, but it was still fun to watch the case move and tell dad that it was you! You’re wiggly at bedtime, just like Carter was. We love that you are growing so much! Your ears are developed now, which m...

This week's list asked me to list the things that I am good at. I was kind of afraid of doing this list, because I don't feel like there are a lot of things that I'm good at. There are a few things that I feel like are important to my character, but they aren't necessarily like....things that I am good at, if that makes any sense. It's not like I am great at playing the piano, I just am good at things that I can do for other people. At least I think so, anyway. On each week's prompt there is a "Take Action" box that asks you to look at your list and do something with it. So this week, it asked me to circle the things that came naturally to me, and underline the things I had to work at. When I started to do that, I found that I was circling each thing on my list, and I realized that when the things we are good at are enjoyable and make us happy, it doesn't seem like work when we do work on them.  So even though it might seem like I'm not good...

I mentioned it yesterday in my bumpdate, but our little man has a name!! We have been talking about names a little bit since we found out the gender, but really we have been talking about names for the last three years. When we started trying to get pregnant the first time, we talked about names so much that we basically had our whole family named before we even were pregnant. We had two boy names and two girl names. When we found out that Carter was a boy, Brandon liked one of our names the most, and I liked the other. But throughout the pregnancy, I tried the name Carter multiple times, but only when Brandon wasn't around. I didn't want him to realize that he was starting to win the name game. I called him Carter baby, and talked to him frequently using that name.On the drive to the hospital after we'd found out we had lost him, I told Brandon that I wanted his name to be Carter, because that had been his name the whole time. In the two times we've been pregnant s...

January 23, 2018 Hi Little Man! If I wanted to, I could stop calling you little man and start using your name! It’s so crazy. I love that we have given you a name already though. Both your dad and I feel like it gives you more of an identity, and we are definitely ready for that. The past week has been a good one! I felt your tiny kicks for the first time in a while, and I’m hoping they start to get stronger soon. We went to a baby shower for one of your little cousins over the weekend, and it made me super ready for you to be here. Not yet, of course, but I’m hoping the next twenty one weeks speed by!! We are getting closer to halfway, and I’m just so grateful for every single minute. I was starting to think the fatigue had gone away for good, but I just woke up from a two hour nap haha. For the most part though, I have been a lot less tired. I just wish I could figure out how to avoid all the dreams. They are so stressful, and I honestly think they are affecting my sleep more than...

One of my goals during this pregnancy is to work on being happy and content. Actually, that might be my only goal. I know that stress and grief didn't cause our previous losses, but I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. Plus, pregnancy after loss is stressful enough, I don't need any excess stress! That's why I quit my job, and why I've been doing the 52 lists project. So far I do feel like I'm happier. It's probably because I'm pregnant, and even though I'm scared, it's hard to not be happy while pregnant, but I also feel like the work I'm putting into it is paying off. All that being said, I should give the caveat that there are still going to be some emotional posts on here. Some of them were written before we found out we were pregnant, and some will be written that day. Being so open and honest with my emotions has been therapeutic for me, and I've been told it helps others, so that's what I'm going to continue to ...

We've come to the end of my reflection time for the second week's list! And I literally just realized that I probably should be doing these on Mondays, because that might make more sense but oh well. So I completed this list on the second Sunday of the year, and gave myself a week to reflect, which means that when you read this post, we're actually at the end of the third week of the year. Clear as mud? Alright, let's move on! This week asked me to list the routines in my work and personal life. As soon as I read the prompt, I felt really disappointed, because I knew I wouldn't have a lot of things to write down. I quit my job, and don't feel like there is much routine in my personal life. I started out feeling really downtrodden, and afraid that this week's list would make me feel like I was moving backward. But as I wrote down the few routines I do have, I noticed that none of the routines I have make me unhappy. A month ago, I would have written down ...

The list for week one asked what things make me happy right now. When I started writing the list, the first things that came to mind were sleeping and food, which tells you a lot about where I'm at in life/pregnancy right now haha. Following those were playing with the cats, hanging out with Brandon, and making memories with our babies (not necessarily in that order). As the week progressed, I tried to focus on the things that brought me joy each day. I made time to sit and play with the cats, without the tv on and without my phone near me. When Brandon got home from work, I'd leave my phone upstairs or in the kitchen, and give my full attention to hearing about his day.  I noticed that, the more attention I gave to activities that I enjoyed, the more satisfaction they gave me. Rather than playing a game on my phone and  watching a show, I would do one or the other. It didn't stress me out as much, trying to enjoy one thing instead of two. Maybe this is something that p...

One of my friends from high school shared a journal she had been using called 52 Lists for Happiness . Knowing that my goal for 2018 (through the duration of this pregnancy anyway) is to focus on being happy and stress-free, I ordered it immediately. My plan is to fill out one list a week, then use that week to reflect on the prompt and see how I can incorporate it into my quest for a stress-free year.  So far I have done two of the lists. I try to set aside ten minutes where I can go somewhere separate from Brandon, or even just mute the tv and have him still be next to me, and focus fully on the list. My goal is to do this every Sunday! Then, each week, I'm going to write about the prompt and what I've taken away from it. I probably won't share my complete lists, but I will just share my feelings on it. Anyway! The point of this post is to invite you to do this project with me! It was only twelve dollars on Amazon, and you can get yours here . If you're looking fo...

January 16, 2018 Little man! Today we are fifteen weeks! It’s still weird to me that I get to write these and share them. I get to write them. And share them. The last time we were fifteen weeks pregnant was 20 months ago. That’s so crazy. Over the weekend, we hit fourteen weeks and five days, which is a big deal. The last time we were fourteen weeks and five days, we lost your sister. I’ve been looking at the last picture we had together a lot, and wondering how different today could be if she was here. But then we wouldn’t have you. Or maybe we would, just maybe not fifteen weeks. Ugh. I have so many feelings. BUT!! I am feeling so grateful to have you here with us today, and for you to be safely nestled in my belly. Over the weekend, we could have been hit by a car, but thankfully your dad has quick relfexes and stopped before the truck blew through the intersection. Because I’m a nervous wreck, we went in for an ultrasound yesterday afternoon, and you still look so good! Twice i...

In pregnancy, most women wait to share their news until they are out of the first trimester. The first thirteen weeks are considered the most risky for miscarriage, so the general population of pregnant women choose to keep the secret until they are in the "safe zone." We know all too well that that's bullcrap. Well okay, it's really not. It is the most likely that if you are going to lose a baby, it will happen in the first trimester. That part is true. But when you've experienced even one loss outside that "safe zone," let alone two, that thirteen week mark doesn't seem to mean as much. The second time we were pregnant, we told our families at seven weeks. The third time, we had planned to wait, but didn't even get the chance to consider telling them early. This time, we waited to tell our families until we got the genetic test results back, but had told a few people before because we were too excited to wait. The first few weeks that we kne...

Hi little man! This week with you has been good! We had another appointment on Wednesday last week, and got to see you again. You are getting so big!! We can’t believe how long and lanky you are. And so wiggly! I’m ready for your wiggles to get stronger so I can feel them more consistently, and so your dad can feel them too! You just keep growing! We got to announce our news on social media on Friday, and it was so nice to finally share you with everyone. Everyone was so sweet and supportive, and sending us so much love. I just keep telling people that we’ll take all the prayers we can get! So far, this pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I never got too sick, was just tired, and didn’t have any crazy cravings. Beefy five layers from Taco Bell have sounded really good, so we’ve eaten a lot of those, but I am just thankful that fruit is finally appealing again. And it’s SO GOOD. Now if only we can get you back to liking pizza… That’s basically it for this week, little guy. You keep...

I am so  relieved to have finally announced our pregnancy. Mostly I am happy we finally shared the news with our parents. It was getting really rough not talking about the only thing that has been going on in our lives! I was also really scared too. I'm usually not a superstitious person, but after losing the last three, I have become extremely superstitious when it comes to pregnancy. We found out we were going to lose little bean the day after I started looking at crib sheets. I hadn't looked at anything else up until then. With our third pregnancy, we decided to dive right in and get excited from the minute we learned we were pregnant. That pregnancy lasted five days. Every time we share the news with someone, I get so afraid that something bad will happen. Now we're three days post sharing the news on social media, and so far we're in the clear. But I'm still so scared. I was also really nervous to share our news because I didn't want to hurt anybody in t...

I wrote our year in review a few days ago, but there were a few things I left out. Before we left for Vermont, I thought I was pregnant. I took a bunch of tests, and they were all negative. When we got home, I took a bunch of tests. Still negative. The week of Carter's birthday, I told myself I couldn't take any tests from like, Tuesday through Friday that week. I didn't want to take a test too close to or on Carter's birthday. The first three I took that week were negative. The morning we were leaving for Disneyland, I wanted to take a test, just to be sure. As I rolled out of bed, I told Brandon "it is going to be negative, so don't get your hopes up." It was positive. It was very faint, to the point that we were just confused and kind of didn't believe it. But that day at Disney, we didn't ride the big rides, and took it easy just in case. The next day when we got home, I took another test. It was slightly less faint than the first one. And t...

I wrote a recap of our year yesterday, but now that we are officially into 2018, I wanted to look back on some specific things. My favorite moments of 2017: Finding out we were pregnant again after Carter. I will never forget that morning. Learning we were pregnant a third time. Not one, but four trips to Disney. Meeting our nephews. Being completely in awe of the windmills in Amsterdam. Driving through the hills of Luxembourg to see castles. While listening to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. Starting our vlog. Brandon and I make ourselves laugh so much. Raising enough money for a CuddleCot in one week. Surprising our friends with the second CuddleCot. The hard but beautiful moments: The day of my d&c with little bean. Our doctor was so sweet, told me she was beautiful, and promised to give her a blanket we took for her.  Him calling me days later to make sure the hospital had contacted us about her remains, because he and the staff had to make a lot of calls to stop he...