Freckle Eye Fancy

Eighteen months ago our lives changed forever. Eighteen months ago we got to meet our sweet little boy. We got to hold his tiny body, kiss his sweet face, and just ogle over the perfect child we made together. It was the hardest, most beautiful day of my entire life.  We've been talking a lot the last couple weeks about what life would be like if Carter were here. We'd have a little eighteen month old toddling around, on the brink of talking. We'd be moving him out of the nursery and into where our office is now, and trying to find him a big boy bed. It would probably take everything Brandon and I have to not buy him a race car bed or something awesome like that. We'd be talking to him about the little brother in mommy's belly, and we'd be pulling his old clothes back out to get ready for Hudson. We would have spent the last eighteen months spoiling and loving on him. Watching him grow.  The last eighteen months have been so hard. So many beautiful things hav...

April 24, 2018 Holy moly this week went by so fast Today we are 29 weeks little man, which means we only have eight weeks left. That’s less than two months! I feel like we still have so much to do, even though we really don’t, but I’m still not quite ready to do all of it. Dad and I are going on a little trip in a couple weeks, and we’ll start doing everything after we get back. We’ll be just over 31 weeks when we get back, so I feel like that should give us plenty of time to get everything ready. We just need to wash the clothes, redecorate the nursery, move some stuff to other spots in the house, and pack the hospital bag. Hopefully we don’t feel too overwhelmed with getting it all done, but I wouldn’t mind if the next eight weeks went super fast and made us feel a little crunched for time! Luckily your dad is the sweetest, and is willing to basically do whatever I want (as far as nesting) whenever I want. On Friday, around like eight pm, I got a sudden feeling that we don’t have ...

Last week's list asked me to make a list of things I want to say no to. I used to be the worst at saying no. I have always been one to go out of my way to please others, even if that means putting myself under too much pressure. After a heavy bout of depression in college, I started to learn that it was okay for me to say no, or to take myself out of situations that I didn't want to be in. After we lost Carter, that idea got driven in even more. I dealt with a lot of social anxiety and had to learn that it was okay for me to say no to social situations and take time for myself.  My social anxiety has improved, but there are still some times that I have to say no for my own mental health. But there have also been so many times that I choose to say no to my social anxiety. I have gotten to a place where I control my grief and anxiety more than they control me, and sometimes (not all the time) I'm able to say no when the feelings come at a bad time.  Some days my ability to...

I've talked multiple times on here and on the vlog about how I have had so many stressful dreams during this pregnancy. Lately the dreams have been less terrifying and just stressful, and they've even started to limit themselves to just a couple times a night, not the whole time! I still wake up sweaty, but now it's just one time, not multiple times.  Last night I had a dream that Brandon was mad at me for sleeping so much. He woke me up before he left for work, told me that I was the laziest person he knew, and that I needed to get a job. When I told him I was so tired he just said "adults are tired. that's life." For some reason, Brandon is never nice in my dreams haha. But this morning when he actually woke me up before leaving, he told me to go back to sleep, and I told him I was afraid he'd be mad if I did! Lucky for me, he would never be angry for sleeping, especially while I'm pregnant, but it still took me a while to fall back asleep! I stil...

April 17, 2018 Little man! Third trimester!!!! We are down to single digit weeks!! Only nine more until we meet you! I can’t believe we are at this point in the pregnancy. It seems to have taken forever, but the next nine weeks are going to go so quickly. I feel like I say that every week, but I still mean it! You have been so super active this week, and maybe it’s just a coincidence, you have been super responsive whenever we talk to you! The other day I said your name and you went crazy. I’m sure you don’t actually understand it yet, but I’m going to pretend you do. Dad has been able to feel you move, and watch my belly move too, which has been fun. I also love feeling you react to food that I’m craving. It helps me to feel justified in my cravings haha. Tomorrow we start weekly non-stress tests, and I’m looking forward to them. It will just be so nice to check in on you every week and make sure everything is looking good still. I’m starting to get really really excited for you to...

Last week's list asked me to make a list of things I feel passionate about, and then make time for those things. Luckily for me, the things I feel passionate about are things I already do super frequently.  The biggest thing I am and have always been passionate about is being kind to others. Empathy and happiness not at the expense of others is important to me. Being aware that literally every person in the world has something to deal with, and that I can do my part to not  worsen their day by being kind. Those are things that I have always been passionate about. Since losing our babies, I've been able to use those passions to help others that are in our situation, and I'm able to do it through writing, which is another passion of mine.  There are other passions of mine that I get to enjoy on a daily basis, such as my marriage, friendships, relationships with family, loving on the cats, and trying to live a life that my babies would be proud of. Even though my passions...

I feel like it has been a minute since I've put together a travel post! We hadn't gone on a trip since October, and it was so  nice to get out and go somewhere different! Brandon left late Monday night to go to California for work, and I flew out Wednesday afternoon to join him. I hate flying by myself, I don't know how people do it all the time! But we both made it safely and happily, and we met at the rental car lot! I was so excited to see him, I couldn't stop smiling. Anyway! We got our rental car and drove to Sausalito. We had never been before and had heard good things, so we parked in town and walked to find some dinner. We ate at Barrel Tavern, which was super tasty, and also had an amazing view of San Francisco as the sun set! On our walk back to the car we passed a toy store that had biplane kites hanging from the ceiling! They were closed, so we just stopped outside to take a picture, and the girl that had just closed up came and opened the door for us so ...

April 10, 2018 Today is a big day!!! Ten weeks from today (unless otherwise indicated) we will be welcoming you into the world!! We are 27 weeks today, so only ten more weeks! After today, we will be down to the single digits!! Ah!!! It’s so crazy. Anyway! This last week has been so much fun with you. We were able to take you on another trip, this time to San Francisco, and walked with you around Pixar Animation Studios! On our first full day, we walked 8.5 miles, and you danced on my bladder the entire time. I’m surprised I was able to keep up with your dad that whole day, but we had fun! And most importantly, ate a TON of good food. We hit it hard for two days, and then had two days at home to relax before dad had to go back to work. We have one more trip planned before you get here, and we’re looking forward to it! My very favorite thing about you for the last few weeks is that you are most active right when I lay down to rest or go to sleep. You like food too, but it’s almost li...

Last week's list was a really  good one, in my opinion. It asked for a list of things I can control. In the challenge box, it said to cross off anything that involves other people, because when it comes down to it, we can't control anything coming from other people. At first I disagreed, because I was thinking that we can control our emotions when confronted by other people, but that's not always true. Sometimes people do things that upset us, no matter how hard we try to not let them affect us. I may not always be able to control my reactions to other people, but I can control my perception of what they are saying. I should be able to control whether I hold onto what they do/say or let it go. Sometimes it's harder than others, but that is the extent that I can control my emotions when it comes to other people. Other things I can control include my schedule, stress level, and happiness. My schedule really affects the other two things. If I'm ever feeling super st...

Guys. I know I am super slacking at blogging lately. I have had a lot of feelings that I've been taking time to work through on my own, so blogging has taken a backseat. I kind of feel like I'm at this point where I either blog about super happy things regarding our pregnancy, or I blog about other feelings that usually come from a very specific situation that I don't necessarily want to call attention to. So right now, all the feelings that usually come to the blog are getting directed in other directions. Bear with me though! It will get better, and it will change. Onto this week's list! This last week asked me to list the people who make me feel happy. There are a lot of people that are on the list, and the challenge for this list was to think about why these people make me happy and to schedule a date with them, but I took the list for a different lesson. I struggled with depression during college, and have obviously since struggled with life in general after los...

April 3, 2018 Hudson! A couple things: First, it’s April??? What the heck!! Second, only (about) 77 days until you get here!! Time is starting to fly by, and I am so grateful for it. This week is going to go quickly too, since dad and I have fun plans for this week. Before we know it, we’re going to be down to only ten weeks! I just can’t even wrap my mind around it. The first ten weeks were SO SLOW, but the last ten are going to go so fast. We have everything ready for the nursery, and are just waiting until we get closer to get it all set up. I’m itching to decorate it, but am forcing myself to wait! We are waiting to do all the laundry too. Over the weekend, we washed all the preemie clothes and a couple blankets, just in case you needed to come before 37 weeks, but we’re hoping that’s not the case. But we are prepared anyway! Once we get past 30 weeks, we’ll start to decorate and do laundry and pack a real hospital bag. We are just trying to not get ahead of ourselves. You have ...